Colorful leaves of trees, abstract natur

*Remember Me*

“A beautiful baby girl was born on January 18th, 1989 in the simplistic, yet liberal city of Austin, TX. Her mother, father, and older sister were overcome with excitement to add a new member to the family. And even though her father always wanted a son, he loved both of his daughters just the same. Nevertheless, he was still surprised that he had obtained more joy than he knew receiving a new baby girl into his life. Her parents had great expectations for both of their children; to be creative, artful, talented, strong, sweet, and giving. But above all else, they wanted their daughters to fear God the same way they do, in hopes of having nothing but blessings come their way all through their families lifetime. And just to give the two little girls an extra piece of wisdom and enlightenment in the word of God and the faith to follow, the family of their parents made sure to raise them in the likeness of God by taking them to Church often and praying for them as much as they could. While these words of guidance and hope landed upon the two little girls minds, they did end up growing up a different way than planned. Not too far from faith of course, but just enough to find themselves and start their journey of finding their purpose in life. And the sweet baby girl that was born on a cold Winter’s day in January, grew up to do so much more than she planned herself. She had no idea that her life would become like a movie; with more twists and turns than a suspenseful Double Jeopardy ending in a classic Drama, she started living the life that God planned for her.”

You have heard of the saying “Live life to the fullest” haven’t you? I am sure this phrase is liked by many and done by many since it inspires people to DO what they want, BE what they want, GO where they want, and LIVE how they want. How blessed we are to now have the choices our ancestors did not; to do whatever we want and become whoever we want. I am sure famous idealists like Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, & Mohandas Gandhi would be most pleased to see how far we have come as a people. We can live a life that is made by us, and we can make our own life decisions, good or bad. How grateful we should be for so many people's sacrifices that have given us inspiration and hope to do more, be better, and give more. These famous people that are on a list as far as the eye can see have been remembered or will be remembered for doing amazing things. I only wish that, as simple of a person as I am, with no famous name to follow me, and no major achievements on a plaque or medal, that I would be remembered too. Isn’t that what we all want anyway? Isn’t this the reason why we dare to be great? Isn’t this why we chose to have children? To carry on our legacy as a person, even after death? Basically, if we die, and do not accomplish what we wanted and if we did not make some type of famous Icon list, we don’t want our death to be in vain. We want to be remembered for who we were and how we lived our lives right? It’s not too much to ask to just have purpose, even after we leave this earth. So, in saying this, I wish to be remembered for who I am and how I lived my life. Nothing more, nothing less. Just...remember me.

Remember me for being different, not your ordinary Black Girl, not just another statistic, and not just another run of the muck rebel girl looking for her own path to follow. It surprises people sometimes that I look 10 years younger than I am, but I assure you, I am not. It always surprised people, when I was little, that I had a good amount of wisdom at such a young age. I guess this was because I was always in my thoughts, and always asking why. It surprises people, especially Blacks, that I am what they call “random” and “weird”. But what does this even mean? Am I weird for being open minded and adventurous? So be it then. Yes it is true that I listen to all different types of music, even if it’s not in English. Yes I can be friends with and fall in love with any race of a man, no matter his upbringing. Yes it is true that I love to travel, and I wish to go to foreign places often, not because I just want to get away, but because I want to know a different way of living through another culture. Yes it is true that I would love to learn a different language, Italian, Spanish, German, and more. Yes I like to have a good mix of friends or different backgrounds, religious beliefs, race, and gender. It is true that I can be very serious at times, but it’s only because I am not a laid back person. Yes I am accepting and relaxed at times, and I find that a lot of things are pretty cool with me and I am okay with it. But when the time comes to be serious with important matters, I am the one who is not playing around. If somethings is mine, it’s mine, if I’m in charge, I’m in charge, if I want what's best for me, I’m not going to live in the moment like many young people do today, no, I’m going to think about my future and try to plan and become better than I am today. Remember me for not following the crowd, and for remembering to be my own person regardless of what people thought. Remember me for being ME, no one else, just ME. In spite of what people think I should be, and what people say about me, remember the person I tried my best to be, the girl you knew personally, if you did at all. Understand that Life, for some, may be just a game, but I always took it seriously, and I always wanted to live life in a way that was with respect while always trying to be genuine. Nobody’s perfect, but I want to be remembered for trying to be my own type of perfect; for myself, not for someone else’s acceptance.

Remember me for being a strong woman, when I once was weak. For so long, before the age of 19, I was always the girl who put others before myself way more than I should have. Sure, it’s okay to do this, but I realized later that I have to take care of myself first, then I can be physically able to take care of someone else.

When I was growing up, I didn’t have much to say to be honest, I kept to myself and I walked through life with my head down. I felt that I shouldn’t say anything I deemed to be “too bold” or “too harsh” for some, because otherwise, I would be shot down. It wasn’t until the Summer of my 19th year on this Earth that I came to a realization that I need to change the way I think, the way I live, and the way I am perceived. I let people walk over me for too long, family, friends, coworkers, etc. It was time to make a change and start over, so I did. And I thank God he gave me a slap of reality to start my journey into being a strong woman who fought for respect and loyalty. Basically, “I once was blind, but now I see” was the feeling I had when I started to change my life. I stopped letting people tell me what to do, even when It was wrong. I stopped agreeing with every negative comment people threw at me. I stopped letting people treat me like shit every chance they go because, in their eyes, I was a small person who really wasn’t a fighter. I stopped letting my weakness of insecurities and low self-esteem get the best of me in relationships with men. I stopped letting other women bash me for being different or being honest. Since, for some reason, it is seen as offensive and mean/rude to be real and honest with your friends as a woman. Nevertheless, I had to be strong for myself and for my conscience. I know now that since I am in a family filled with strong women, from my great grandmother, down to me, I was destined to be strong. I just needed a little push to get me out of my shell. I have my mother, my aunts, my grandmother, and sisters to thank for that. In today’s world, if women are not strong, and do not stand up for themselves, we will lose that batter of one day becoming equal to men or greater. We can not be silent, we can not be weak, and we can not be timid. We have to give these boys a run for their money.

Remember me for always saying “Thank You” no matter what. To my friends, family, co-workers, lovers, and superiors. I have had so many people help me and bless me in my life that I try to make sure I say thank you for something they did for me, big or small. I want to be appreciated for what I have done, so I want to relay that appreciation to other people, even if I didn’t deserve it. More people should say thank you more often. People don't have to do something for you, they do it out of the kindness of their own heart. That's a blessing. So to everyone that has helped me, even if I could not return the favor: “THANK YOU, AND GOD BLESS YOU!”

Remember me for sometimes being shy, timid, quiet, or anti-social; fearful of all the negative in the world that could possibly come and break me. I was so scared to be open about anything to anyone in the fear that they would never understand my struggles, my thoughts, and my personal opinions.

Remember me for having uncontrollable anxiety, like many people do in this world. I admit I was born this way, and I came to find out, later in my adult life, that many people have this problem and it can not be fixed overnight. That it is nothing to be ashamed of, but something to be understood. The constant thoughts that go through my head are ever so tiring, and it made me a little crazy at times. To try to please everyone and myself on a higher level than what is doable, is mentally and physically stressful. But I couldn’t help it. I have always set myself to a higher standard than what I could actually do. I just wanted people to understand, and try to stick with me through the confusion and constant mood swings. It’s not everyday that people admit to this, but like I said before, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but something to understand. I only hope that the people I love will not give up on me and will give me a second chance if I say or do something I didn’t mean when I fell into the pool of my own mind that was often too deep to swim out of during times of pain, stress, and loss.

Remember me for being the one that loves too hard. I often had problems with family, friends, and lovers with this. My mother knows I have this problem, since I feel like she is the same way, she understands. Maybe this is who I get it from...not sure. But I do know that this can be tiring and stressful to me and the other person. I know I can be annoyingly motherly, over-protective, inquisitive, and needy at times. This is because I love too hard. I want people I love to know that I care about them and I want the best for them. Even if I am not included in their life, I still want the best for them. I know I may seem like a hard ass sometimes, I know I get this from my mother, but it’s just my tough love talking, not something mean coming from negativity.

Remember me for all of my bad decisions and bad habits. I am sure that I have caused some people pain, anxiety, frustration, and more. I want to first apologize for my wrong doing to you, and I hope you could forgive me for not thinking first before I acted, or for not putting you first when I know your situation was more important. Forgive me for not being a team player and ignoring your cry for help and assistance. I want people to know that if I had all the money and power in the world, I would make every wrong decision I made into an honest and just decision. I want to make sure that the people I hurt, friend, foe, lover, and family member know that I am sorry If I ever caused you pain or distrust in me. I want people to know that I did feel bad for whatever I did, and it did haunt me from time to time. If I didn’t try to make it right, and you didn’t hear an apology from me, just know that I am sorry, I was sorry, and I want to make it right. I just don’t know how or when sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but that is no excuse for whatever I have done to hurt you. I am sorry, and I hope people remember me for trying to write the wrong that I did, hoping to make things better with the people who once cared about me.

Lastly, remember me for not giving up; on love and in life. You have no idea of the amount of times someone broke my heart and left me high and dry. You have no idea how many times I wanted to give up, let go, and be alone. How many times I sat in a corner in my room, laying in bed, crying to myself. Thinking of all the bad habits, misfortunes, and harsh losses that I could only blame myself for. How ashamed I felt for so many things that I could not control and needed help with. It’s a sad thing to know that for so long I did not value my life and I didn’t want to try and live it anymore. So many terrible things happened to me at such a young age, I didn’t understand why. “Why me?” is what I used to ask God in my prayers. “Why me, and no one else?” I asked, trying not to give up on life. Little did I know, since I was so caught up in my own problems, that other people are hurting like I am, or worse. That I was blessed to have what I had, and I was being ungrateful for it. I did not appreciate my blessings like my family taught me. And I didn’t appreciate the spoiled life that was given to me when I was born. It took me a long time to figure out that God has a plan for me, he always did, and he wants me to endure certain things that are meant just for me, because I am the only one who can endure it and persevere. This is my life, therefore, this is my story, good or bad. So many times I thought I was a loser; that I was unattractive, ugly, or just too simple. I thought I was untalented, a waste of time, and a waste of air. I deemed myself to be unworthy of love and unworthy of living life. I didn’t know how to live, how to get through struggles, how to stay positive, keep the faith, keep hoping for something better, to not be negative, etc. I didn’t know, I promise I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, and it hurt me to the bone to feel like I couldn’t be normal and I couldn’t fix my problems by myself. I only knew how to love, and I guess this has always been my strong point. I started to realize why God just would not take me from this world and let me be at peace. It may be because I am here to give someone love. Since this is what the world needs; love. I know it sounds corny, but I believe that is why I am still here. I used to be bitter, with no feelings, no love, no hopes, and no dreams. But now I have hopes, I have dreams, and I have plans. God didn’t put me here for nothing. He has given me many storms to go through, but I have come out a better person every time they ended. And I remember hearing a most important message; a lesson I learned late in life that was always told to me, but I admit, I didn’t care before. The statement “Trouble don’t last always”. It’s true, trouble won’t last forever. I believe it only lasts long enough for us to learn from it. And I find myself playing one of my favorite songs when I am extremely lost and can’t function without hope. Yolanda Adams song “Take Away” is a song that describes how I felt in my times of sorrow. It explains exactly what I prayed for to God when I wanted to give up. I don’t like Gospel much, but I think that there is a certain type of gospel song for everyone that speaks to them and gives them hope. Remember me for not giving up, because God wouldn’t give up on me.

One day, when the time comes, my life will be taken from me, and I will leave this Earth. I just hope that I left the world being some kind of inspiration to others, men, women, and children. I hope to have done some good in my life that made the world a better place. Even if it is something as small as loving someone with all my heart and giving them hope that true love still exists and it has not died out. I want to be remembered for living life the best way I knew how, and that is, by never giving up. Thank you.

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