“You make it hard for me to love you,
Building up these mountains,
That I can never move...”
I remember how it felt...the first time someone told me they liked me. The first time someone told me they even had a crush. The feeling of butterflies in my stomach set off a spark that flowed through my whole body like electricity. And it wasn’t because the person who told me was extremely attractive, and my desires for them had finally been rewarded. It was because I didn’t hear those words often...rarely in fact. And because of that, just knowing that someone admired me...saw me...and fancied my weird introverted personality was a breath of fresh air; but also, slightly scary.
The older I get, the more I think about why that had such a profound effect on me and why it still does to this day in some situations. Is it because I am naturally shy and tend to humble myself too much? Or is it because I don’t see what others see when I glow in their presence. Is it because I don’t know the magic I convey, and the vast possibilities of admiration, partnership, and love?
So I wonder...how long will I keep secretly defining my natural beauty by who likes me and for what reasons? I am perfectly capable of not caring when no one special is in my life, but let me find someone who gives my heart an extra beat, calms my soul, and gives me peace...then, I start to care...maybe too much. And if this person makes my heart sing, then cuts the music with no reason in sight, I am then left drowning. Wondering why and how it happened. Bewildered and confused on if my feelings were ever valid in the first place…
Low on life, but wondering how to get back on solid ground,
I sought out peace, happiness, and new experiences.
Brave, I thought I was, to even make the leap I made
with little support and not much planning.
But progress was made, positivity found, and peace acquired.
Enjoying my new safe haven, I had, for once,
fewer worries than solutions.
I realized I had more blessings come into
my life, and less of the toxic rain clouds
I desperately tried to leave behind.
And as I was doing well with my
new found peace of mind,
you admired me from afar.
Taking your time, I thought, to get to know me
through visuals, verbiage, and self representation.
But all the while, you were just “curious”
and maybe a little bored.
I admit I was bored too, but the difference was,
my heart was pure, and my intentions were clear.
But maybe I should have been more clear…
More clear about what I've been through, and
how I'm NOT going back to that,
or something similar.
But I was being blind, foolish, and naïve…
and there was no one else.
You had others, but I had none…
and I felt that on a daily basis.
Time together got slim, and we became distant.
I know why...I figured it out early on.
And I thought, how selfish can someone be?
How stupid can you be?
And why are you so hard to love?
To waste my time...and make me go through
the same suffering...it didn’t make sense for a long time.
But then I was given the gift of TIME...time to do nothing and reflect
On what's really going on with me. Past and present.
Why did I even jump for joy to someone “liking” me?
Why was I so easily fooled by a true manipulator?
And I thought to myself “because now that I am starting over
In life...I have to find my footing again, and that means,
finding the new me and working out the kinks of my past.
This new life I acquired, it’s going to be different...better in fact.
But I have to make it better. Better for my heart, and better for my spirit.
And sis, he absolutely was going to ruin that for you.
So him wandering off was a blessing in disguise...be grateful, and move on.
Now is the time to do things differently to grow and elevate your power.
Elevate your strength, your peace, and educate yourself on what's really holding you back.”
It’s me...I always knew that I didn’t do certain things to brighten my future because of ME.
I literally was just going to sit around and hide in the shadows while others with ill intentions rise up to be glorified and admired.
Yes, I was broken, and I needed mending, but I wasn’t unfixable or damaged goods. I was just...human, and humans are resilient creatures.
God gave me this heart of gold that carries a heavy bag of love, respect, and devotion. But he never told me to give it to the unworthy, and there I was, giving it away like it was earned by everyone and everything.
This heart of mine...that’s the reason situations like this arise.
I’m heavy-hearted you see...always have been.
And I dealt with too many people that traveled light.
The light-hearted have other agendas, and that’s ok.
The heavy-hearted have focused agendas, and that’s ok.
But no more second-guessing and making up excuses...life is too short, and it is what it is.
No answer and mixed signals is a clear message.
And I got it.
Once I realized what I was lacking in self-worth, I realized that I really just overlooked all of the red flags...the obvious. So there is nothing to be hurt about...it was always there anyway. He was just clever about it.
But to each their own, it’s their life to live how they choose.
And in an effort to stop thinking about it and move on, I wrote one last thing to get it out of my head and clear his presence from my mind…
“Chemistry was high, and affection was solid.
We took care of each other, and got lost in the moment.
But the deeper it got, the more I realized the truth.
That I was interested in us, but your only interest was “you”.
How your mind works...it’s too sporadic.
How your heart works, it’s too inconsistent.
But I understand, it’s not all your fault.
You’re healing...just like me…
and it’s a process, not just a thought.
So I'm giving you back your freedom
that you so desperately need,
And maybe one day...I hope you find peace.
Our free-spirits collided for a time,
and it was warm and relaxing.
But I should have known better…
It was just borrowed time,
And we both still needed fixing.
But I also know this…
and I thank you for showing me,
that you’re too light-hearted,
And heavy is what I’ll always be.
Now go be free, and seek out what you crave,
cause the next time you try to find me,
my spirit will be vibrant & brave.
No longer in need of your inconsistency.
Just riding my own wave.”