People keep asking me why I decided to stay single for so long or why I'm single period...like it’s so taboo and misleading. “Oh wow, you’re so pretty. Why are you still single?” or “WOW! You’re that old with no kids?” Like damn, so I have to date because I’m pretty? And I should have what, 5 kids by now at this age? Hell, if that’s the case, pretty people trying to date is even harder. Because the prettier you are, the harder it is to find someone who truly wants to be with you for YOU. Not just your looks so they can show you around like a new pony. And children are a blessing, indeed. But I am in no rush to be a parent, nor do I feel like I missed a deadline to have kids already. But I understand why they keep asking these questions. It’s all in their perception of being single, and what makes people happy or feel whole...and the difference between being lonely and being single.
Literally, some people are single by choice, it doesn’t mean they don’t have options. It means that they are not bound by their options...as their options are not the path that is best for them. Nor are their options highly desirable for companionship. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean they’re ugly, crazy, wild, etc. Because some people don’t like to just date for fun, although I see the fun in it, I'm not that person. Some people can only date with purpose. With substance. Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s a waste of time.
I decided a long time ago that I will only be official with someone I see as my partner. My teammate, and best friend. I’m not dating for fun, I'm dating for loyalty. I'm not dating for sex, I’m dating for companionship. I’m not dating for show or clout, I’m dating the person I respect, and vice versa. And there is no doubt, I have made very poor choices in the people I have dated, and the "situationships" were even more stupid. But it doesn’t change the fact that I know better, and am perfectly capable of doing better. I'm not here to just be easily taken...I'm more than that...I deserve what I want, and I don’t care how long I have to wait for it. It’s that simple.
To all of the family, friends, and strangers who keep asking me why I am single, when I'm getting married, having kids, etc. Maybe my quick answers aren’t enough for you. But more importantly, why not ask me more meaningful questions as to why I haven't done these things, or why I'm so careful. Ask me what I have been through to be selective and patient, instead of impulsive and naïve. Ask why is it that I don’t have children already, or if I can even have them...
No one and no thing is gonna rush me to do a damn thing. Not my family, my friends, age, or my female organs. And there is so much to life I would like to experience before I get old and die. I don’t want to miss out on what my heart is leading me to. And only God knows the path that is laid out for me, I’m just trying to follow it.
I'm a big thinker….and a dreamer. But I like to think I have a logical kind of mind, with a side of curiosity. So I'm curious as to why It seems that the only vows ever given are on someone’s wedding day. The bridge gives vows to her groom, and the groom gives vows to the bride. But why don’t we have vows to ourselves first, so we can be a better person...to be a better partner. Whether we are dating or getting married, it’s all the same. I believe that “If you start with a good foundation, and build from there, your house will be sturdy, and will last longer.” Why not go through your morals, values, and growth expectancies while you’re dating? Is this too much to ask?
Ask each other “What can I do to be a better partner to you?” and “What tramas' have you been through that I should know so I can love you accordingly?”
Ask the intimate important questions like “What do you want out of this relationship?” and “What is your love language, and how can I learn it?”
“Do I satisfy you sexually and mentally? Or just one of the two?...or none at all?”
Ask me the tough but simple question of why I'm single and not married with kids already, and I’ll answer back saying...
“I like my alone time, this is true. But I don't have to be alone all of the time. I do value human interaction, but only the right kind...the good vibes. So if I spend my time with someone often, I value them. And if I'm dating someone officially, it’s a big deal. It means I have decided that our relationship has real purpose, and I trust them. But I refuse to date someone, if it’s only for show. I refuse to date someone, if it’s to make other people happy. I have no desire to date someone officially because the sex is amazing, and that’s all. HA. Sex is easy, but have you ever found someone you can just lay down with and feel comfortable and safe? That’s a big deal. Good sex is important, yes, but it’s just a plus. If we can’t work together as a team, ever, I'm out. If you never want to tell me anything, I'm out. If your bad character brings me and our relationship down, and you can’t grow out of that, I’m out. If you are more of a follower than your own person, I’m out. If you CONSTANTLY don’t know what you want, and awaken my love for nothing, I’m out.
And the same goes for me. If I am any of these things, I want that person I am hurting to be out. If I can’t change, or be better, GET OUT. If I’m just not what you want, tell me, and be OUT. Don’t waste my time, and please don’t let me waste your time. Life is too short. Go find what you want, whatever it is, and I’ll do the same.
Because I'm only dating with purpose...
With the intent to build a solid relationship, that already has great potential and humility.
To have a partner I can trust...who will love me as I am, but also, who I will grow to be.
A partner who listens to understand, not to just reply. Listen to LISTEN...and THINK. Think about where I am coming from and why, before you respond.
Know my tramas' and help me be stronger because of them, not in spite of them.
Know my mistakes, and accept me anyway with no judgement.
Know that I am only going to date for the purpose of REAL love...not just a temporary cure for loneliness that can expire at any time.
With the intention to grow together as a couple, whilst not leaving ourselves thirsty for personal development.
Can we tell each other things that hurt us...things we need help healing from, to be a better partner?
Can the man I desire honor me as an independent woman, and not try to possess me as their property or trophy?
Can he respect my space, and need for “me” time, but keep me grounded at the same time?
Does his level of intelligence match or succeed mine?
Can we sift through our priorities to create order and discipline in our lives for the greater goal?
Will we argue and fight out of love, with intent to resolve? Or will it be out of hate and animosity towards one another?
Will we love each other for our big passions and small hobbies? Even if they don’t think they’re important?
...I want the man who can tell me his true purpose for pursuing me to DATE me was because he was attracted to my spirit...my values, goals, intelligence...my good heart...etc.
Hoping they don’t let me down by telling me meaningless reasons that are shallow and irrelevant.
I hope he won’t try to rush me into getting married, especially if we don’t know each other well enough.
I hope he won’t try to pressure me into having children, knowing that is a struggle of mine, and being a parent is no easy thing.
I hope he doesn't think I’ll be his sweet little housewife, stuck at home with the kids, while he goes out to do whatever he wants.
Will our purpose be to lift each other up, or hold each other back?
Can we still live our social lives with friends and family, or will we be confined to a dungeon of just us, all the time, 24 7, 365?
Will we be able to see our faults and admit them to each other with apologies and changed behavior?
Will he understand that just because I’m a giver with a big heart, doesn’t mean I don’t have my limits.
...purpose...only with purpose can I even fathom being with someone for a long time...I’ll admit, I have little to no patience for bull shit in a relationship.
...only with purpose, can I even see us together in the future...happy and healthy.
And only with purpose, can I let my guard down to have someone take my hand to show me there is someone out there who IS a good person, with GOOD values, a POSITIVE mindset, and an OPEN heart.
Someone who doesn’t want to own me, or trap me or my spirit.
Someone who can hear me dying inside, even when I’m not saying a word.
Someone who can be my hero, when I have lost so much.
I’m not perfect, and I don’t want someone perfect.
Just want someone who is like-minded, steady in their love for me, and has the humility to admit when they are wrong...and I’ll do the same.
Talk to me...hold me accountable...and be honest.
I’m easy to talk to. But I am stubborn.
I listen. But sometimes I want the first word.
I keep secrets. But I don’t forget.
I can be very mean if I am pushed too far. And my worlds can cut steel. But I can apologize and make up for my actions with the right guidance.
And I want what’s best….for both of us….always. Even if it means making hard decisions.
I'm not playing games, I don’t have time. It’s either me and him, or nothing. I am strong on my own, and I can take care of myself. But sometimes, I need help.
And I know we can be stronger together...if we both have purpose."
These are just some things that I think about before I jump into a full on relationship. These are big things. Important things. I have to know what my purpose is in someone’s life who says they want to be with me. Oh really? You sure? Ok, why? For how long? Smh...I may sound complicated for this...but it’s for good reason.
...I’m scared to death to get into a mess I can’t get out of. Because I can only blame myself.
Something toxic and negative. A drain to my soul. A relationship where only one person is in charge in their high castle, and the other is suffering in the slums. No. I can’t do that again. People don’t know what I’ve been through to ask me those empty simple questions...and they don’t even realize what they’re asking. Ask me about my mind. How I live my life. Ask me what my hobbies are. My goals. What I dream about at night. What makes me happy. Before I’m a woman, I’m a human being. Marital status does not define me. And even if I do get married and have children, I’m still ME. I started with me, and I shared myself with someone, and we grew more with children. But I hope we can both still be ourselves. How terrible it is to lose yourself just because you got into a relationship or had children. These things should add joy to your life, not sorrow and strife.
And to make a point, It’s sad that the most praise is given to women when they are seen getting engaged, married, pregnant, pregnant again, etc. But what are my single ladies doing in life? Amazing things! Look at them. Appreciate them! Learn from them! Why is there less praise to the woman who got her master’s degree, ALONE. Started her own business, ALONE. Gave back to the community, ALONE. Raised her children, ALONE. Do people even realise how hard that is? Why are we on the bottom? To succeed as a woman, in a world ruled by men...and she did it on her own. And if you’re a woman of color, it’s even harder. Like...Wow. That’s a powerful woman.
I'm not saying all women should be single or do everything on their own, no. And I'm not saying marriage is kids is a bad thing. No. It’s not bad at all. And I do believe that people are stronger together. But society still makes us think that we look better following the path of tradition. And it’s sad. You get more likes from your wedding day pictures than from pictures of you winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Now, I believe in teamwork, but I also believe in self-awareness and self-achievements. It is a powerful & unpopular thing to be strong on your own first. And what a blessing it is to be stronger with the right person. But take a second to realize that some people are single because they want to be. Because they want to be careful, and wait for the right one. No disrespect to people who like to date often, no shame in that. But don’t disregard me thinking I’m single because something is wrong with me. I'm single because it’s the smart thing to do. It’s freeing. It’s less stressful. Less problems. I have time to be my full self and live however I want to.
I love too hard, and I am often taken for granted because of it. And after what I’ve been through, it’s stupid to just jump into relationships with no substance. Naw, I learned my lesson, and I don’t want to feel trapped, owned, unwanted, or under appreciated ever again. I’m good.