“Imagine for a moment…a broken heart, and an ambitious mind wants to spread its wings and fly solo. Away from the flock, where the slackers and drill sergeants rule over the majority.
No one expects them to leave, and no one ever leaves themselves. Yet the broken heart still feels the need to do bigger and better things, as their spirit yearns for an empty canvas to paint endless life experiences.
But to do this, they will have to take a risk of course...being on their own.
And even though they are not ready for the harsh world ahead like they think, they move on anyway, hoping their lessons learned will keep them afloat.
So they plan and plot, and pray and wait. Hoping their efforts will bring upon the outlet they desire.
Then, after much struggle of playing the long game, they reach an option.
A hidden door. Meant only for them.
A heavy, jagged door, that only the strong and willing could open.
As there was nothing important to leave behind, except bad memories and Negative Nancy’s, the broken heart had no fear in finding the strength to open that jagged, heavy door to see what fate awaited them.
Once this door was opened, the games began, the mission started, and faith was tested…”
It’s funny how life has a twisted sense of humor that truly humbles you...but only after you’ve been through hell and finally decide to listen to your conscience.
You come into this world with no knowledge of how things are run, and you only find out by how your family raises you.
Who’s the mean one, who’s the nice one. Who’s playful and happy. Who’s serious and devoted. How your siblings treat you. Do they adore you, or resent you? Are you the same, or are you opposites?
As we grow up, we watch and we learn as people are teaching us how to live without even knowing it. Our parents are teaching us how to walk, talk, and eat. But they also teach us human patterns....
You start to see which one of your parents is more involved, and who isn’t. Which one has patience, and who doesn’t. Who’s always working, and who isn’t. And so on and so on...until you hit a point in your life of understanding what these things mean, and who does what for what reasons…
Maybe you didn’t get the full love you desired as a child, and that feeling of neglect weighs on you.
Maybe your mother or father were not in the picture, and you feel you have an empty space where they should be.
You struggled with fitting in and making friends, and no one cared to notice you felt utterly alone and inferior to the rest.
You had no one to mentor you and guide you when you were finding yourself and that set you back in life when it came to education and confidence.
What’s missing in our lives as we grow up affects us positively, negatively, or keeps us neutral. If we have to overcome hardship to get us to a better place, that struggle shapes how we view life, and how we deal with the bad things that happen. Some people handle them well, and some people don’t. They need assistance. Not everyone is built with a backbone made of steel. Some people sink more than they swim.
But no matter what we have to overcome, we can only overcome it by accepting what is, and moving on from it. Accept what happened as a chapter in life where you didn’t know any better. Face it head on. Forgive yourself. And move on.
But that’s easier said than done isn’t it…
Admitting defeat isn’t easy...in fact it can be very painful…
To say “I was wrong and I’ve done wrong. I’ve hurt people and allowed others to hurt me too deeply. I’ve been lost. For longer than I thought. And I really messed things up for myself that I didn’t plan...But I’ve had enough...it’s time to change.”...what a thing to admit to yourself; and even harder to admit to someone.
I’ve practiced this over and over lately, and it seems to get a little easier every time…
I’m a stubborn woman, and I don’t trust people, as people have treated me badly with little to no apologies. But admitting that I have made big mistakes, sacrificed too much, and loved too hard, was something I really had to come to terms with.
I admit...I’ve been weak, when others were strong. I’ve been dumb and careless, when the smart ones tried to help me. I was naive, when the people seeing my kindness as weakness were more experienced.
And so...the games began, and I often lost. I didn’t know how to play the game you see. Games of the heart, games of succession, and the game of social acceptance. I found out too late...and it hurts me constantly. My mission to find my place in this world and to be successful is ongoing. And my faith has been tested multiple times when I had fallen so deep that I thought I would never get back up.
I only knew so much when I left the flock years ago...with a broken heart and an ambitious mind.
Work hard, and be honest.
That at the end of the day, the one person I can depend on...is me.
That I will have to let go of being comfortable, to be great.
Toxic is not the norm, and I don’t want it to follow me.
The support is low, and the stakes are high, but my ambitions for myself can be built higher.
And sometimes; if not all of the time...if I want it done right, I will have to do it myself.
But these only helped me get so far...the larger problem was something I didn’t want to dig up as I thought I didn’t feel anything for it.
The problem was that I was missing love...affection...safety...assurance.
And because of that, I unknowingly sought these things out, and when people were unkind, selfish...just being human beings, I took it too personal...like they actually owed me the same respect and loyalty I would give them. It just left me empty and broken inside...but that was my own doing...it’s not really their fault, they were just being themselves, while I searched for what I needed to heal myself.
What a mess I made...what a waste of time.
I kept getting defeated, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. The reasons why I was defeated...and maybe it’s because I didn’t want to feel like I had lost, without a plan on how to get back up. Defeat was demeaning for me.
But accepting defeat doesn’t mean you have lost, and you’re a loser with no hope.
Accepting my defeat means that I have acknowledged what I have done wrong, and why I did it. I know that I have hurt people, and they hurt me, but that’s human nature, and I really didn’t mean them harm. I was just angry, lost, and looking for something they couldn’t give me. Waiting for things that could never happen. Waiting for people who would never come around. I understand that it’s not my fault that I feel this way, it was just my upbringing and how I handled it. I wanted to be ok with it all...every terrible traumatic thing...just to move on and survive, so no one would show me pity. But I was lying to myself, and I was trapped...and I actually did need pity...and I hate that. I hate that I actually did feel lonely sometimes, and I still do now. But that’s normal...I just didn’t want that feeling. The word lonely is a word I never used to describe myself...but it was there...it was always there. I'm good at being alone, because I had to be. I'm a pro at having alone time, not just because it’s peaceful for me, but also because I accepted the feeling of loneliness a long time ago.
It’s a part of me, and I didn’t even know it, until I accepted defeat.
I accepted that I do need help sometimes, even though I can make it on my own.
I accepted the fact that I was so wrong about the good in some important people in my life, who should have never been important to begin with.
I accepted my silly mistakes and bad decisions I made from feeling lonely, used, disrespected, and ignored.
But the biggest thing I accepted...was that I WAS THE ONE who put myself in the type of situations that I knew would hurt me, hinder me, or slow me down.
So all the more reason to hold myself accountable, make a change, and move on.
So many people want to stay the same their whole life. Even if they are a bad person. But I can’t stay the same...I want to grow, I want change, I want...better. And I honestly only want to surround myself with like minded people. Otherwise, I’m once again going to hinder myself because I know better, but I'm not doing better. And I can’t like my life that way…
Make a change.
I did the best I could, with the knowledge I had.
I did what I had to do to survive; and now...I wanna live.
My life book is forever growing pages, and I’m just getting started...