“This one thing, that was made for us.
Chasing us. Saving us.
I’ll take one thing, over everything.
I’ll take that thing over anybody.”
~ Alicia Keys
He said…“You may be ready to have me...love me...and treat me like a king. But sadly, I’m not ready to receive all of those beautiful things you have to give. And that’s my fault. Not yours.” so I gasped...I shook...and my heart stopped…
And not so much because what he said burned my heart like a branding; but more so because...what he said was true. So true that I felt...bad. I felt...almost... stupid...or maybe naive. I was so surprised that what he said was right...even though I was hoping he was gonna say something wrong. I hoped that he would just listen to me and just...realize. That all he had to do was say “Okay...I’ll do it.” But that was a fantasy that I had to come to terms with.
And so I began to let go. I slowly, but surely...let go of him. But try as I may to change the way my heart and mind functioned, I couldn’t stop believing...I couldn’t let go of my morals, and my disciplined ways of how a relationship with the opposite sex should be.
I thought about being a Thot many times over like “I wonder if that Thot life is really worth it. I wonder if it’s as fun as it looks...I mean, could I even do that” Maybe that’s the key to how I can stop caring.”
Thought about just being a total bitch with no regard to other men’s feelings...if they ever showed me any. But as sweet as I am...and as kind and caring as I am. I knew I wouldn’t get too far with that. Sadly, caring is my curse and my gift. I may be able to push away when they pull in. But throwing them away like trash after is just not my way.
I thought about just starting a whole new life...But that would be like running away from my problems; and I just couldn’t get to the point of leaving so much behind so sudden and so fast. Not yet anyways. If I want a new life; a new chapter; I have to first close the chapter to my old and painful past. That’s the only way I could save my heart...save my soul from falling into a black hole filled with broken pieces of glass...ready to cut me deeper and deeper.
So I tried to pick up the broken pieces and start a long term mending process; all while thinking that one day I know I can find that one special person. I only need to find one. Just one. Just you. Whoever you are...whoever you will be. I wrote something for you. Cause I think of you often you know I hope that it’s not too much. And I hope it’s not too weird...too soon…or too...optimistic.
I just wanted you to know that…
If we find each other. Soon or not soon. Near or far. In good, or bad circumstances. Just know that I will always choose you. Just you. And only you. I only need one you see. I only ever really asked for one. And who did I ask? Well that’s simple...I asked God. A long time ago I asked God to find me someone who will be my everything. Regardless of our upbringing. Regardless of what stands in our way. Regardless of us being scared, hopeless, or damaged. I hope it won’t matter because our love will be stronger than those things.
I asked him...when I was down and out, to give me someone that is understanding. Understanding to whatever situation I have. Understanding to what I have been through and that I act the way I do because I can’t help it. Because maybe...I need saving. Can you save me? Save me from following the wrong path by coming into my life like a knight in shining armor. Or maybe that’s too dramatic...but you know what I mean.
I hope I can be your damsel...or better yet, your Princess...your Queen that you never expected that will come into your life to save you too. Whatever ails you. I can be there to help you get through it. Physically and mentally. Because I want you to know that I have a good heart, and I would like to share it with you if you are worthy...and if you will have me. I hope you have a good heart too. Because my bad luck streak of attracting the heartless has to come to an end, it’s not worth it anymore. I don’t need it and I don’t deserve it.
I hope when we meet...if we meet, that it’s like we have known each other in another life and we finally found our way back to each other in a new one. To have another chance, and finish it. I believe in magic...miracles...anything is possible to me. But if you don’t, it’s okay. I just need you to believe in us. Just us. I’ll always believe in you, and I promise to still want you even after you do stupid annoying things like leaving the seat up, not taking out the trash, and being unorganized...who knows. I hope we can love each other’s imperfections like they are things to be cherished.
And just know that regardless of what other people told me I should do, to get what I want. Regardless of how others live their life with multiple partners...never being able to choose one and stay with one...Regardless of all that, I still just want one. No more. One heart, one goal, one lifetime…& one person to sacrifice my bad habits for. Just one. Just you. I hope you feel the same. I hope you can choose me too. Love me, hold my heart, be silent with me, trust me, be loyal to me. Just me.
I hope that no one else can rub your back like I can while you sleep. I hope you respect my space, and I’ll respect yours. I hope my laugh is your favorite, and my smile lights up the room for you. I hope you will be patient with me, and I will do my best to be patient with you. I hope we can be a team, instead of one on one. I hope my voice makes you calm, my jokes make you laugh, lame or not, and I hope my spirit matches yours in a way that helps you live life better. I want to be better, and I would like to be better with you. Yes, I am independent. And yes, I can do bad all by myself. But I can also love unconditionally. And even though I know that I don’t NEED you, and you don’t NEED me. I hope we can have each other as long as our love story lasts. As long as the chapters in our book keep being created with memories and heartfelt moments.
I hope you can feel safe and comfortable around me by being able to tell me anything. Good or bad. I hope we can respect each other in that way to tell each other the truth no matter what. I can take it. I'm stronger than I look, but I hope you don’t take advantage of that and forget that I have feelings. And just know, if you are hurting...you can tell me. If you need to cry...you can cry. You have a secret, you can tell me. I got you. You have a problem, ask me for help. I got you. You feel like life is driving you crazy, confide in me. I got you. If you got me...I got you. And I hope you never forget that.
I hope we can build a life together and still love each other when we get old, cranky, and lazy. Because trust me, and believe me...some people may want to play around with people's hearts for the fun of it. And some people may not care about who you are, and what you can give. But know that I’m not that person. I admit, I tried. But I failed. I hope you can appreciate that. I hope you can respect my morals, and see that I AM ready for you, and all of the beautiful things that you have to give. And I hope you can only be with one person too…
Just one. Just me. Just us.