Colorful leaves of trees, abstract natur

*Good Heart, Hard Life: Pt. 2*

Dear Hard Life,

Just so you know Hard Life…I feel you. Everyday, I feel you. All of the electrifying senses you give me...I feel them...and I hate it. And if you didn’t know already...I don’t want these senses. These feelings of anxiety that you give me from being helpless to the roller coaster of Life are complete bullshit; I don’t want them. They hold me back, make me bitter, and give me the feeling that I am not worthy for greatness or happiness.

If this is your main objective, I would say you have achieved it. You have succeeded in making me feel small over the years, and I felt the impact at full speed.

I have drained my mind and body trying to figure out the Why’s of life. Why this, why that? What now? What later? When should I, and how should I? Random constant questions rolling over and over in my head. It drove me crazy. I wanted to know this and that and the why and how. But I realized that there are some things I will never know and understand. Many things at that. And I have to live with it. No more will you torment my mind and body with anxiety and stress of the unknown. I’m done with that.

I'm not stressing or crying over no Fuck Boy or inconsistent dudes. If he calls, he calls. If not, who cares. He obviously ain’t worried about me. But that’s no big deal. It’s his loss anyway.

I’m not going to stress over my job and co-workers and their behaviors towards me and my work ethic. I KNOW I work hard. They KNOW I have talent. But jealousy makes them hate. So let them hate. They are entitled to their opinion. My work and experience speaks for itself.

No longer will I try to change a man for us to be happy. If he wants to live a life without being a faithful team-player, so be it. What I ask for is common sense and simple caring gestures. I never asked for the world, and I never asked for a Billion Dollar Man. I just wanted honesty, loyalty, and real love that is not just an idea or a courtesy. But REAL love. Not just a temporary use of each other and our assets, but REAL love. If I want a relationship, and he does too, it will be a team effort. Period.

No longer will I feel anxiety over what people think about my image. My body, my hair, my physical appearance overall is MINE. No one else's. And that is what makes me...ME. People will love me for ME. And if they want me to be like everyone else, they are closed-minded and content with living a life of never knowing and appreciating what else is out there and the difference it could make in their lives. Short or tall. Thick or skinny. Sexy or cute. Big boobs, small boobs. Light skinned, dark skinned. Mixed race, one race. Long hair, short hair. Real hair, or weave. It doesn’t matter. All women are different, and they should be loved for their differences. Their random imperfections. Their points-of-view. Their level of admiration and charisma. They way they view themselves and how they deal with their self-confidence...They way she can love another for who they are…no matter what. They should be judged on character and personality. Because we all know that no one is perfect. We can only try to be better than we were yesterday...that’s all.

I will no longer feel like I am crazy, weird, or lame if I do things that others around me don’t understand. If I am not their “cup of tea” so be it. If they think i'm weird and awkward, so be it. One day I will find my purpose and the stars will finally twinkle back at me, letting me know that they are proud of my triumphs, and they will know that I finally rose to the occasion and lived my dream.

It should not come as a surprise to you that I am writing this letter out of anger. I have been silent for way too long. I have to speak my mind. God has allowed me to feel everything all the time; curse or not, and you have taken advantage of that and twisted it into your own shaming game. I can see now that my blessing to feel has given you power over my emotions. But I want to tell you now, NO MORE! No more will I allow people, places, and things to get to my heart and my mind in a negative way. And NO MORE will I allow my heart to bleed for something or someone that does not deserve it. You know that I am different, Hard Life. I always wanted to fit it, but I’m different. Fitting in is not my forte. It is not my life’s purpose. I was not meant to be a part of the puzzle; I was meant to be the creator of it. I create my own puzzle, and I determine how the pieces should fit and how the shapes will be formed. This is my life. And just like I create my own life, I create my own destiny. Not You! Me!

To be noticed, not invisible. To be appreciated, not understated. And to be loved, not just liked, as a friend or a play sister.

To be strong, not weak. To be energetic, not drained. To be wise, not naive. And to feel like life is worth living...this is my hope...this is my prayer. And I have to keep it. No matter what comes at me...I have to keep that thought.

I sit at home and wonder where my life is going and if I will have someone to share it with one day that will love ME for ME. Just me. And only want me. Just me. I wonder when the day will come that I will start caring and feeling again like I used to before someone threw my heart in a garbage disposal. Maybe one day...I will feel that magic again. But for now, I am determined to take control of my life and my future endeavors. I have decided that no matter what you do to me, Hard Life, I will always get back up with a sword in my hand, and a fire in my heart to fight for my happiness. It is mine to obtain after all. Not yours to manipulate and destroy.

So if you wanna dance Hard Life...let’s dance. Come and get me!


The Gladiator

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