*Click pause, then play...
See what I'm up to...
Wow! What a long time it's been...and to see how much I have grown in that time...is truly a blessing.
I hate to always seem to come & go like this. Go ghost for a while, and then come back with new & exciting things. But this time is different. This time, I'M different. Or should I say, I have "upgraded" or "bloomed" into something gracefully peaceful, with a larger knowledge of life & understanding people. Understanding myself, and what I needed to do to move on and make changes to grow. And not just grow in life, but grow in my mind.
Last year, I had to stop working on my blog and take a real break from it. Not only did I take a break from blogging and writing, but I also took a break from doing extra strenuous activities. Since last summer, as many of you know, I was in too much pain to do certain things because of my Endometriosis. One thing I couldn’t do anymore was sit up and type on the computer for hours, and posting on social media on a daily basis became extra stress I didn’t have the mind set for while worrying about bigger things. I couldn't do it. Another activity I couldn’t do much of was going out to bars and clubs like I used to, having Sunday Funday with friends, going out to eat, etc. Work became harder and harder for me to do also, as the months went by, since my job was very physical as a Visual Manager in retail. I really had to slow it down and take my time to let my body relax & heal; but it wasn't enough. After being in pain on a daily basis, I had all but given up on what to do to make the pain and stress stop. I wasn't sleeping...I wasn't eating right. I was always weak with pelvic and chest pain even after I took my medicine. I had multiple trips to the hospital, in the ER, and most of those trips ended in unanswered questions. I started taking tests and getting treatment for the pain, but I knew it would still be a while before I felt like myself again. And I had to go through trial and error to see what worked, which was frustrating for me because going to work while you are sick like that, taking different treatments, is not fun, nor safe.
I couldn't do the things I wanted to do because I was in so much pain, and under so much stress from my surroundings. Negative vibes from people I wasted time showing love to, but got very little in return. Stressful situations I put myself in because I didn't have my priorities straight, or I didn’t have a solid plan to get out of it yet. Working a crazy job that really didn't care about me like I thought they did, and ended up kicking me when I was down in the end. I was miserable.
But in January of this year, 2020, I made a bold choice. To quit my job, and just gave it to God. I couldn't do it anymore, I needed to rest, and see my treatment through. And I was just DONE with the bullshit from work and life putting a strain on my mind and body. I had been doing this same ridiculous cycle for years, and it wasn’t worth the pain anymore. Because I realized 1 big thing, my job was hurting me. My busy life was hurting me. It was making my pain and stress worse. And I just couldn't handle it. Besides, a job is a job, it's not my life. I can express myself doing something else, outside of work, where I can flourish and take my time. But I stupidly made my job my life, and let it take all of my energy. Which was such a waste of time. Then I realized something else...maybe this is a sign. Maybe God is telling me "STOP! It's time to STOP, and look at what your life has become. You can't go on like this...the time to change has come." and I was reminded of all the goals that I wanted to achieve, but couldn't because of work and my constant pain. I thought about how many years I have been dealing with this pain; silently crying in agony, and how scared I was when my pain was unbearable and wouldn’t go away for hours. I was trying to keep it together for everyone else's benefit; knowing I needed to start getting medical help. No one understood the pain I was in and how bad it was. Nobody understood that I really was just being nice and patient about it by just putting a smile on my face and taking medication like candy. But no more...i’m not popping pain pills like candy anymore. I made the decision to finally listen to my conscience, and just stop. I stopped working and just relaxed and took my medication daily. And honestly, that was the best thing for my body, and for my soul. I was finally able to think about making plans and make final decisions on them instead of making excuses. I finally was able to see my life for what it really was, and see what I really needed to let go of and grow from. I knew it was time to start healing; but on MY terms, and in a positive atmosphere. That was the only way it was going to work. Period!
So, long story short, I decided to move back home for a while. To Austin, TX, my hometown. I spent way too long in Houston just racing by and taking life too lightly. And so many bad things happened to me there because when I first came, in 2007, I wasn't ready, I was just running. I was running away from the problems and negative people I didn't want slowing me down and hurting me anymore. I had good reason to leave Austin before, and I benefited from it, but I don’t want to run anymore. And I don’t want to rush and be unprepared anymore. So instead, I'm starting over. Moving to Houston was a big change for me, and I was thrown into a new wave of thinking and being when I started working and socializing more. But living there...I wasn’t on track. I still fell into the same traps because I wasn’t prepared for things. But more importantly, I was worried about the wrong shit. I wasn't letting myself heal from old wounds and bad habits. Therefore, I couldn't make Houston my home...and until I have a plan to live a different and better life that’s prosperous, I will not be going back to live there. Once I feel like I can make it my home, I will go back. I lived in Houston for almost 13 years, and it was never my home, I just dealt with it, and made the best of it. Now, mind you, Austin is not my home either, I was just born here. But the idea to come here was to be in a positive atmosphere, with my family, surrounded by peaceful things...I needed “quiet time”. In a calm environment, where I could hopefully get better physically, mentally, and continue to grow.
I have learned so much this past year, and even though I was down and out, I was still able to work on my new blog, slowly but surely. Because I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to give up on being a positive light for people. And I didn't want to give up on myself just because I had some big life changes. And after making the big decision to move and stop working crazy jobs, I was able to land the type of job that I prayed for. During a Pandemic, with little resources, and a plan with the will to carry it through. After being here a few months, I have already been feeling better physically. My Endometriosis pain is not extreme anymore, and comes and goes in smaller waves of pain. I can actually sit up and work on my computer now. Go out to dinner or small gatherings from time to time. I can cook and bake more. Which I love to do. And I am sleeping more. I love that! My body needs the rest. And because my body and mind have been on a healing journey, I was able to create my most meaningful article series, "The Art of Letting Go". And with patience and help from loved ones, and other creative minds, I am able to bring my thoughts and visions to life. I'm finally able to share with you the things I have learned over the past couple of years, and I hope it will be an inspiration or a lesson to you. I am thankful for what God has given me, and I promise, I PROMISE, I won't take life for granted anymore. And I won't stop learning, healing, and just being ME. My body is healing, my mind is clearer, and my life is finally open to bringing in more changes that will bring me closer to where I want to be. And trust me, I am FAR from perfect, but I strive to do my best, and I continue to be a good person. I started forgiving myself and the people around me that did me wrong and gave no apology. I'm still stubborn as hell, and I have my own mind with little patience for stupid shit...but, I'm working on it. I'm working on me. So please, be patient with me. And I hope you can let me be your inspiration again.
Because sometimes The Comeback takes longer than expected; and you resurface in a place you thought you would never go back to...
But a comeback is a comeback, and GROWTH is GROWTH. And so, this is mine. I'm back, and I'm better. So don't count me out just yet...